Birthparent Loss and Grief
Birth Parent Loss and Grief by Patricia E. RolesIn the last decade, there has been a growing acceptance that aloss occurs for birth parents when adoption takes place. In thepast, the emphasis in the adoption process has largely been onthe r...
...eception of the child into the adoptive family rather thanthe reciprocal loss of the baby for the birth parents andextended family. The bonding process for the birth mother, whocarried the baby inside her during pregnancy and experienced themiracle of birth with this baby, had not been previouslyacknowledged in society at large or by the professionals workingin adoption and mental health. Adoption relinquishment involves a grief process not unlikeother types of grief such as death or separation. There are,however, some significant differences for birth parents, due tothe nature of the loss, which will be noted during thedescription of the grief process. Grief Process:Numbness and Denial: During the initial phase of grief,the birth mother is trying to cope with the realization that thebirth has become a reality. In the midst of the physical andemotional strain of having given birth, she faces the decisionof relinquishment and the loss this decision involves, all in avery short space of time. Trying to make such a painful decisionin the middle of all this change and intense emotional upheavalcan lead to a period of shock, numbness, confusion and at timesdenial. Denial is a very primitive defense mechanism that can beeffective in protecting a person from emotional collapse. Denialmay have been a mechanism the birth mother utilized to copeduring the pregnancy. Defenses such as denial need to berespected. Numbness, confusion, shock or denial can result in birth mothershaving little recall of events such as the baby's birth, or theymay forget significant details such as the day or time of thebaby's birth. These episodes can result in terrible guilt andcan, as well, diminish her already-limited store of memories ofthe baby and events to validate the birth and the ensuing loss.Eruption of Feelings: As the shock and confusionlessen and the denial or numbness recedes, floods of intensefeeling may erupt without specific triggering events; thiseruption can be an overwhelming experience involving a range offeelings such as sadness, emptiness, anger, fear, panic,anxiety, despair, guilt, shame, helplessness, hopelessness,loneliness, irritability, fatigue, or difficulty concentrating.Feelings might get expressed indirectly through physicalsymptoms such as headaches, sleep disturbances, nightmares, backpain, stomach pain, or bowel problems. As emotions find avenuesfor direct expression, they gradually decrease in intensity andbecome more connected to triggers associated with the memoriesand loss. Secrecy, shame and lack of public acknowledgment of the loss byfamily, friends and society mean that the fact of the loss isnever validated. What follows, then, is a subsequent lack ofnatural opportunities for expression of feelings and thereforediminished opportunities for support. Accepting the Adoption Decision: The fact that theadoption process involves a birth mother's active choice indetermining the course of events sets this loss apart from otherlosses such as death, aligning it instead to the lossexperienced when an individual decides to separate from aspouse. In a marital separation, the initiating spouse ismotivated to the decision because of some type of untenablesituation and may feel anger toward the spouse, allowingemotional distance. In contrast, the decision resulting in lossof an innocent baby or child only brings sadness and guilt, evenwhen others try to reinforce that it is "in the best interests"of the child and that the child will be "loved." The love ofothers for the child does not cancel out the pain of the lossfor the birth parents. This aspect of decision-making is complex, as birth mothers mayhave experienced coercion, pressure or lack of support foroptions other than adoption, reducing their effective control ofthe adoption decision. This can leave birth parents with a greatdeal of legitimate pain, anger and regret. Ensuring that birthparents are in charge of their decisions and that they retaincontrol of their choices is vital to the process. However, it isthis very act of making a conscious and informed decision thatthen provokes the birth parents' feelings of responsibility fortheir own and their baby's loss. It is painful to feelresponsible for such a difficult choice. However, birthmothersand birthfathers who have retained control of their owndecisions, rather than surrendering to the influence of others,find it easier to accept responsibility for these choices andare less likely to hang onto anger. This sense of responsibilitydoes not necessarily lessen the grief process, but birth parentswho have retained control may be less likely to find themselvesstuck in anger and blame in years to come. Accommodation to and Living with Uncertainty: If feelingsare granted expression, then the feelings gradually become moremanageable, and emotional reactions are in manageable responseto natural reminders of the loss. Birth parents can find ways tolive with the repeatedly sensitive areas: the child's birthdays,others' pregnancies, their own future pregnancies, baby showers,meeting children with the same name, and other losses. Birthparents have to find ways to answer such questions as, "Don'tyou want to have any children?" or "You'll know what beingseparated from a child is like when you have children of yourown." Birth mothers listen in silent pain to other women'sstories of labour and delivery, often unable to join in thisconnecting female discussion. Birth parents with closed adoptions live in a state of limbo,forced to create fantasies as they envision their child growingup with the adoptive parents. False hope can also be created ifit is suggested to the birthmother that an open adoption willresult in only a temporary and transient sense of loss;expectations born of such misinformed counseling can lead todisappointments later in life. Open-adoption contracts orpotential reunions do not come with guarantees. When loss comes from death, the survivor may still feel animpulse to search for something. However, this sort search iseventually recognized as irrational, as the individual comes toappreciate the permanence of the loss and move past thebehavior. But in loss through adoption, the search behavioris not irrational. The form of search that birth parents mayundertake may include checking birth dates of children the sameage as the child who was relinquished; looking for children wholook similar to birth parents, scanning faces in a crowd;seeking more information about the child or adoptive family; orseeking out the relinquished child. In part, searching allowsbirth parents to form a mental image of the child, validatingthat the loss indeed occurred; it also provides reassurance thatthe child is doing well in the adoptive home. Re-evaluating and Rebuilding: The secrecy, shame, guilt,self-blame, feelings of selfishness and loss leave scars onbirth mothers' self-esteem. Birth parents may struggle as theyre-evaluate their decisions later in life. Birth parents mightfeel incapable of making decisions, feel unlovable, or feelunable to handle having another child. At such moments, theyneed to realize that they made the decision at a particular timeand place, perhaps as a vulnerable teenager without adult skillsor resources. Restoring self-esteem is an ongoing process, andrebuilding self-esteem also depends on the degree of self-esteempossessed prior to the pregnancy crisis and relinquishment. Conclusion: Resolving birth parent loss and subsequent grief is anindividual process. The issues highlighted here are only a guideilluminating the complexity of loss through adoption, alossthat interweaves with other elements in a context ofdiverse societal, cultural, religious, and family values. It is,however, important to encourage birth parents to focus on thisissue. By attending openly to the grief of this loss, thoseworking in the adoption field and those personally affected byadoption can acknowledge, validate and value this experience andits losses. This process, though painful, is hopeful as well,helping to break down the barriers of judgment, secrecy, andconsequent shame for birth parents. It can enable private griefto be publicly acknowledged, providing the context for grief'sexpression, highlighting the need for increased support, andultimately increasing respect for the voice of birth parents inthe adoption process. © Patricia Roles, Virtual E-counseling Room,e-mailtherapy.com, Burnaby, BC, Canada Go To Patricia Roles'Virtual Counseling Room
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